my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
