Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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