so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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