I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You are the jesus of drinking
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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