I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
