If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
