Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
