I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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