i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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