i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
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so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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