They should really pass out barf bags in church
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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