we have officially lost it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
