He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
