so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
