i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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