So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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