Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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