At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
