Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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