He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
