Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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