Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
