I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She said her name was "party"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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