I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
