I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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