Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
