And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
