I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
