the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
