either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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