i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
