I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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