I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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