She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
