Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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