fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
