There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
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