I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
