Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
then he tried to convert me to islam
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.