It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
