I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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