everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
