Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
