woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
