New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
