Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize