my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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