Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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