I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
