"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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