well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
