I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
