I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Hippo gnu deer
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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