I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
