lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
