atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
